LESSON 6: ENGLISH JOKES;-)

Angielskie żarty są specyficzne. Jeśli ktoś nie ma ewidentnie talentu do opowiadania kawałów, zawsze na początku pozwala sobie na komentarz: a teraz uwaga, żart angielski:) I oczywiście spala kawał zanim go zacznie opowiadać. Jakby co, to przecież każdy wie, że kawały z tej części globu są wyjatkowo bez sensu.

Jednak stanowią one znakomitą cześć kultury, języka, są fajnym materiałem do nauki.

Jeśli sie uśmiechniesz, znaczy żeś zakumał;-)

WHAT PANDA DOES IN A CAFE...

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit.

The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "I'm a panda," he says, at the door.

"Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation...

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China.

Eats, shoots and leaves

Learning Part

You will understand the joke if you know that the author play with word "shoot and leave."

The meaning of shoot in the manual means "a part of bamboo" and leaves mean "a green part of tree" but panda misunderstood the meaning.

A HEART PROBLEM

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,

"You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,

'You've got a hart murmur; be careful.'"

Learning Part

mamma = A slang for young woman.

murmur = A kind of sound that low and continous.

 An ant and an elephant got married, despite the best advice of their friends.

During their first intercourse the elephant suffered a heart attack and died.

"It's so bad.," said the ant, "five minutes of passion, and now I get to spend the rest of my life digging a grave."

Learning Part

If you compare the elephant and ant size you will be able to imagine how long the ant will take to did a hole to put the elephant in!!

Intercourse = It means have sex in the story

Passion = A powerful emotion.

Grave = The place where you put the dead body in

MEMO TO EMPLOYEES

Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor.

You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others.

We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I...T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T).

This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T) P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T.

They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T. Thank you for your time. !

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Buremu of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)

Learning Part

The author makes fun of the acronym S.H.I.T. It's the Bad sarcastic that all the elements in the organizations are just a shit

Assure = Person's signature

Productivity = The quality of being productive

Supervisor = Person who in charge of one department or working unit

Immediately = Without delay

Emphasize = Stress. To pay strong attention on something

Bureau = A subdivision of a department

Sarcastic = Ironic to mark intended to wounds

I co? spokojnie można zrzucić winę na siermiężny, angielski humor:)